The Art of Hugging
I’m a hugger and I love hugs but that wasn’t always true.
My favorite childhood memory of my mom was the time she hugged me to her chest and my head nestled into the soft pillows of her bosom and round belly. It’s also my only memory of her ever hugging me.
That being said, I was 24 before I actually learned how to really hug.
If you’re scratching your head and wondering how someone didn’t know how to hug, let me enlighten you.
There are hugs, and then there are what I term “real hugs.”
When I was 24, my best friend and belly dance duet partner would hug me when we parted ways. One day she told me I didn’t know how to hug.
What?
So began my first lesson in hugging.
While their are different styles and forms of hugging, a real hug is an intimate gesture. A real hug is where you connect your heart to another person’s heart and you ‘hold’ them close. It can be a brief embrace or a prolonged one depending on the need or occasion.
When someone is sad, a hug is a great thing to give them. Wrapping your arms around them and connecting your heart to them then holding them in an embrace is a gift. Some people will immediately feel better and some people will cry even harder. If someone cries harder, they are feeling safe in your embrace so just hold them and perhaps gently stroke their back or their hair. When they are done, you’ll know when to break contact.
There are also joy hugs, where you grab someone and hug them because you are compelled to share your happiness. I’ve been know to hug someone and while I’m embracing them move all around because I’m too excited to stand still.
Often when I meet someone new, I hug them instead of shaking their hand. Because I don’t know them yet, I ask before invading their space. So far no one has turned down a hug.
I once read an article about touch and it stated that parents often touch and hug their kids until a certain age, usually around adolescence, and then they stop. The author theorized that if we hugged and touched our kids more they would be less likely to end up in the back seat having sex at a young age because what they really want is affection, not sexual intercourse.
This spoke to me because as a teenager I remember craving affection, longing to be heard and hugged.
Because I had to learn to hug and became a hugger, I have also become a bit of a hug connoisseur. I notice how people hug me and take note.
A side hug is where someone is standing beside you and they put their arm around you for a squeeze. It’s kind of a step up from a hand shake and appropriate in some instances. If you don’t know someone well or it’s someone of the opposite sex and you’re not sure about their level of touchy-feeling comfort, a side hug is great.
When I don’t feel completely comfortable with someone and they reach out for a hug, I turn myself sideways and go for the side hug. Sometimes I just don’t want my heart pressed against some else’s.
I mostly hug women and never thought of our boobs touching until a new friend hugged me. She leaned over and put her head next to mine and her arms kind of around me but kept a distance between our chests. At first I thought she just wasn’t comfortable enough to give me a real hug but it’s been years and that’s just how she hugs. So I can’t help but wonder if she’s afraid to squish her boobs. I really have no idea why she hugs that way; maybe I’ll ask her some day.
Interestingly enough I’ve found that men sometimes give the best hugs. I’m not sure why but I have a couple of guy friends whose hugs feel very nurturing.
And then there are the guys who stand stiffly when I hug them and the ones that grab me and pound me a couple of times on the back and then push away.
Because I’m a hug lover, I really notice the different kinds of hugs and use them myself. Different circumstances attract different hugging techniques. Sometimes a quick squeeze is good, sometimes a hug and a pat feels right and sometimes a person just needs me to hug/hold them.
Hugging really is an art form if you pay attention.